roots

Learning so much these days. So much. Feel like I'm in Kindergarten again, relearning the basics. But the basics are so beautiful, simple. Love, bless, forgive. Rinse and repeat. Surely this life is a cycle of such things. Feel the grace and truth of God touching my heart in a fresh way. Humbled. Grateful. Oh, the expense of a flowing heart! To graduate means to arrive back at Kindergarten. That's the way of the Kingdom, is it not?

In my younger years I lived in a darkness that is not worth mentioning here. Suffice to say that I understand what it means to be defiled in every sense of the word. I get it. I know what it feels like to absolutely despise what you have become, to feel that your soul is as good as dead, and to loathe your very existence every waking moment. I know what it feels like to not want to wake up the next morning just so you can get away from yourself. Words can't even touch it, really. And knowing all of this, having been all of this, I don't think I have ever known anything more defiling than a bitter root, its judgements and expectations. It's sickening to the soul that it lives in and it's sickening to those who taste of it. It's like dying from the inside out as you spew poison on everyone around you. It's awful.

Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of god; and that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.

I'll confess, nothing makes me want to run away more than a sickly tree with a bitter root. It's very difficult to come close for fear that the poison will get on you and you can bet that there is a vile of venom with your name on it. Nobody can get it right to the person with a bitter root. Nobody. I know this much because I lived with many as an angry hell-bent teenager. The poison was killing me though, and everything I touched.

The thing about a bitter root is that it takes it root in offense and unforgivness. While I had been hurt many times and my pain was valid, according to the Cross of Christ, I had no right to take offense or to not forgive, and that included even myself. So, being hurt or unjustly handled does not mean you have a bitter root but it is definitely the inroad for the bitter root when the Cross is not appropriated at the place of injury. While I may think that I had forgiven my offenders, if in my mind I still harbored a bitter root judgement against them, I would continue to find trouble and defilement in my  heart.

What does this look like exactly? Well, for me it looked like a bitter judgement/expectations against my parents, authority figures, men, myself and God. For example, "I can't trust men because...*insert offense taken*" or, "All women are...*insert offense taken*" For me it was, "I can't trust my parents because they made poor choices that brought deep wounding to me." This of course was projected upon God and unwittingly I grew more and more bound up in rebellion, anger and self-hatred, believing the lie that I really wasn't safe, that God really wasn't good and therefore I must be no good. Wasn't I worth protecting, keeping? I made bitter judgements and expectations toward myself. Those were the worst, actually, believing every sort of evil about myself which only plunged me deeper into the dark. It's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, really, rooted in deception. You believe the worst, expect the worst and guess what? You end up with the worst. God will not be mocked, a man shall reap what he sows. Tremble!

Every place of wounding became the home of a bitter root judgement that grew deep into me, choking out truth and life. My response to the injustice in my life was devastating in that it was flat-out sinful and became spiritual death to me. God extended great, great, great mercy to me during that time, being the only One who was immune to the resentful acid that was eating me alive on the inside and was burning up everything/everyone that I touched. Jesus is ultimately the projected upon One and has suffered the ultimate injustice through both the injustice done to me and that which I inflicted upon Him and others, even through my bitter root judgements and expectations. I'm just gonna sit here a minute and think on that. Woh. Oh, He suffers long...

He still came to even the nastiest, most vile, venom-spewing, blackened heart (even while I couldn't stand myself!) He took my poison and drank it down once and for all. Know how He did this? By forgiving me ... that I could forgive. Mind-blowing, really. I'll never get over it. Ever. He's untouchable with pure Love and I want to be the same. The only remedy for a bitter root is to the lay the ax to it by repenting and forgiving. There are no shortcuts and no faking it. What's in the heart comes out of the mouth. It is easy to tell if a tree is dead or alive simply by looking at it. It's just as easy to discern when a person is dead or alive on the inside because it will show in their speech. We might be able to hide the symptoms of sickness on the outside but, no man can tame the tongue. Does yours/mine spew venom or pour forth as a healing balm? Ouch. (Luke 6:45)

Did you know that there are only two instances in the Bible where you will not receive forgiveness? One is if we blaspheme the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:10) and the other is if we do not forgive others. (Matthew 6:14-15) Actually in Matthew 18:21-35 is a frightening account of what will happen to anyone who does not forgive from the heart. In light of the Cross, we have no right to be hurt but rather, every right to be healed. Forgiveness is healing, to the one who receives it and to the one who gives it. What a blessed assurance to know that your sins are forgiven. My son Teague says that they are so far away, like the East and West, and by the time they find you, you will be in heaven. I like his theory!