Lord, have mercy. I'm so forgetful. I'm so unable to keep perspective, and not just in trials but in the mundane. Ann Voskamp calls it soul amnesia, the inability to remember all the good, the God. Perhaps there is a pill that can cure me; a corrective soul surgery that forever corrects all that's skewed? Help, I need a doctor! I need the Healer.
Are any irritations ever truly valid? I mean, really? Any demand made on my time, does that not mean I posses time? Any demand on my body, does that not mean I have health and lungs full of air? Any demands for grace/forgiveness/mercy, am I not positioned to receive more than I deserve, anyhow?
1000 Gifts has been calling me again. No, actually, whispering to me because gratitude, thankfulness, thoughtfulness...they don't make a scene. They simply make a statement. Beautiful, humble, simple statements that require a settled heart, a cleared mind, a heavenly perspective. And quite frankly, most of the time I would rather just hurry this thing along. Does my day have a place setting for thanks? For Eucharisteo? For the making, taking and breaking of eternal bread? Some days my soul goes hungry and when I'm hungry, I'm grouchy!
I was looking for an email address this past week and in my search, some unopened emails from my recently deceased grandmother came up. Unopened. She sent me a lot of forwards, with videos and glittery graphics and silly jokes. Most of the time I felt I didn't have to time to indulge in them. But a memory came to mind of years ago when my inbox was being flooded by 'junk' mail and I actually turned on a filter that caught and tucked away all of the fwds to multiple recipients, sent out by my beloved grandma. I opened that unopened email the other night and it was indeed a silly joke. Found another one, read it as well. Wanted to find more, just to see her name, just to enjoy her personality, even if it was sent to dozens of her friends and not just to me. It's different now because she's not here but her emails remain in my inbox. Every junk mail now precious, pieces of her that she forwarded to me. I wept. How ridiculous am I? It was email. Just lots and lots of them and what would it have hurt anyone to have my inbox fill up, only to empty it out? My chest hurt I cried so hard. Why must I learn on THIS side of the lesson? Why can't I see this when it's before me, not just behind me? Kudos to the one who coined, 'hindsight is 20/20.'
The demands of life whip me, drive me like a race horse. Go faster, push harder, do more. In fact, what was once simple has become complex; more factors, more players, more twists and turns. But the Spirit within me says no such things. It says stop, pause, rest, wait...trust me.
'The fast have spiritually slow hearts.' - 1000 Gifts
I'm really getting nowhere then, aren't I, at this rapid pace? And my haste makes so much waste in that I forfeit the grace that could be mine; grace that could turn irritation into celebration, into enrichment, into Christ likeness. God, I thought I knew this! I thought I had an angle on this! Darn you soul amnesia! How quickly these lessons leave me.
'Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps.' - 1000 Gifts
My heart confession/petition to God:
When my children seem determined to cause a blood vessel to explode in my brain, Lord grant me perspective. I would rather have them nipping at me than not. I would rather a million irritated moments with them than none. I would rather a million tears with them than a life of dry eyes. They are SO MUCH WORK but they are the best work that's ever been entrusted to me, the greatest gift You have given me. And when I lose perspective and forget all that your hand has provided, HELP ME LORD, to remember, to choose to pause and recall your goodness, your faithfulness, even while I have been unfaithful. Help me to recount your tender mercies to me, your endless graces given to me, that I would choose thanks over irritation, that I might choose bread over a stone. Because no matter what, no matter how bad it may get, no matter how maddening it may be, no matter how 'valid' the trial, pain, loss YOU SAID I can choose joy, thanks, praise, and quiet trust.
Most of us will never know the level of betrayal you experienced, the rejection, despising, scourging, beatings and duh, death! And you gave thanks. You saw and see perfectly. I want to see better than I see right now. I am skewed, my perspective jaded by pain, disappointment, irritation, entitlements and so forth. How can one whose eyes have been touched by the Healer, still see so poorly at times? Oh, I am a mere vapor, God, like the grass in the field, how I fade and with me, heaven's perspective.
I have felt that I have been lost and found many times in my journey. I guess I was never really lost to the One who has kept me but I have felt lost in the frenzy of life, felt lost in that I've been grasping for heaven's truth. And then I find it, yet again, because He is faithful to come to me in the small, foolish things like unopened email, and then I'm ashamed at myself and thankful all at once. And I'm so happy to be found, to have found yet again, this beautiful thing/One called Truth. It's always a warm welcome, hot tears and all, fully embracing me when my mind and heart have gone wretched. Perhaps that is part of the beauty of it all, losing and finding over and over again. I am forever reintroduced to redemption, no matter where I am or what I'm dealing with. And it's sweet every time. It's peace every time. It's joy, every single time.
True saints know that the place where all the joy comes from is far deeper than that of feelings; joy comes from the place of the very presence of God. Joy is God and God is joy and joy doesn't negate all other emotions - joy transcends all other emotions. though my marriage tree may not bud and though my crop of children may fail and my work produce little yield, though there is no money in the bank and no dream left in the heart, thought others may chose different ways to live their one life, till my last heaving breath, I will fight to the death for this: "I will take joy" (Habakkuk 3:18) - 1000 Gifts
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
go on and grow slow
I love her bedhead hair in the morning. It curls up over her ears, makes a fuzzy nest on the top of her head. Her skin is like the sweetest peach. I think I could eat her up, bit by bit. It would have to be nibbles since she is so busy. We have run-ins all the day long.
She is getting big. She has always been big. My baby, never so much a baby. I marvel at how almost 2 years could have whisked right by me. Surely I was in the room when this all happened. She's so long...so tall. Over 100% on the charts. I watch her sisters struggle to carry her on their hips. She is two-thirds the size of her brother who has 5 years on her. But yet she is just a babe, full of babble and chatter and nonsense that she takes quite seriously.
She reads her books like a proclamation! Most of the time, it's a thick chapter book, upside down, turned open to the middle. And her little face will come up every once in a while, to see whom she might be entertaining. And if an audience is near, she will give a quick smirk and plunge back into the black and white pages.
She loves to move. She loves to be free. She loves to do what she wants to do; go where she wants to go. She was meant for wide open spaces and pleasant boundary lines. She was made for momentum and play and for work that keeps the hands and body busy. And she will find rest just as she does now, in the moments in between; in the moments you blink; in the moments you sit a spell only to be back about it all before too long. She was born for great things...for God things.
How she has already tasted and seen that He is good. Her appetite is good, and for good things. She craves real food and is brave and eats anything and everything. She takes great delight in her meal times. If she is walking about with a snack she really enjoys, she will dance as she eats it. She lives life to the fullest!
She is a little mama, if I ever did see one. Her babies are most precious to her. She holds them close, thumb in her mouth. A baby with a baby. She finds comfort, she gives comfort. And kisses. So many kisses she gives freely to her babies. But, mama has to beg for one of those. She likes to tease me, holding out her affections, making me work hard, barter with her. And she knows exactly what she is doing, sneaky grin on the side of her face, her eyes all slanted and twinkling. When she is ready to give it up, only then will I get a sacred kiss. She is not easily moved unless she WANTS to move. A strong will, indeed.
And shoes...she's an honest girl with her shoe fascination. Any size, any type, just as long as they make a loud clunky sound as she steps. She loves to announce her coming in and going out. Makeup is a wide-eyed temptation for her and if she gets hold of my blush brush or facial sponges, it's just a matter of time before I feel my toes getting a makeover. So silly.
Peek-a-boo, is simply, "BEE!" and requires little hiding but LOTS of vocal projecting. "Wuuun, doooooo..." will never be followed by three because that's our job. Her cup is a 'bobby' and mom is, 'mommy' and now sisters have become, 'didthy' and it all makes my heart melt, every single time.
Pouty lips and cheeks and she looks like her daddy. Mouth wide open, eyes glistening, she is her mother made over. I see flashes of us and yet she is her very own person with her very own faces and mannerism. She shuffles and swings her one arm just like her Mimi. She makes you work hard for giggles and affections, just like Teniel. She will get louder than you, if need be, just like Tess and she will wander around endlessly like her fellow dreamer, Taryn. She'll wrestle Teague down in a heartbeat and only let him up for more. She is quite a precious package, already. She if full, full, full. And we get to enjoy the overflow.
I don't want to forget...so grow slow my great big little one. Grow slow so I can remember and capture it all.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Fathers
No matter who you are...where you are...you have a Father.
Listen, my heart...
My Father in heaven is perfect. He leads me perfectly. He loves me perfectly. He sees me perfectly. He knows me perfectly.
Listen, my children...
Your Father in heaven in perfect. He leads you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He sees you perfectly. He knows you perfectly.
Listen, my children...
Your Father in heaven in perfect. He leads you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He sees you perfectly. He knows you perfectly.
Listen, fatherless generation...
You have a perfect Father in heaven. He leads you perfectly. He loves you perfectly. He sees you perfectly. He knows you perfectly.
"Even the best of them...are just brothers in the end.
I'm the only Father.
Man can't be God and God's not like man."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
fix you
I use to think it was my job to fix people, things. By nature, I am a 'fixer-type' personality, also known as peacekeeper, mediator, bridge-builder, caretaker, etc. Any one of those fits the bill. But through the last few years I have learned a hard lesson, that I cannot fix anything or anybody. I can't even fix myself. Only Jesus is the true fixer-upper and for me to assume this role is simply prideful, exhausting, and even enabling at times to the one who is broken. It is not my job to fix. It's my job to introduce the Fixer to the one who needs fixing. He does the fixing and sometimes he uses my hands, feet, life to aid in the process.
I believe the Lord has made me to be a responder. If I see a need and I can help meet it, I try to do that. If I see a hurting soul and I have a free hand or ear to offer, I will do this as well. But many times in the past, I have thought I was the only one who could meet needs, even taking on a false responsibility and guilt in meeting specific needs for specific ones. It has required more faith on my part to not rush in and try to fix a situation but rather wait on the Lord to do something deeper, something eternal. Who am I to interfere with His processes, to constantly 'fix' in a surface way a deeper hemorrhage that only the Surgeon can attend to? Again, my pride. Hard lesson to learn and ultimately harm for the already hurting.
I know that as a parent, my fix instinct is STRONG. I don't want my children to make painful mistakes, obviously. But to rush to the place of every injury and slap on a band aid is not really fixing anything. And it's not really love, either. It's fear. It's me, as a parent, fearing my children actually having to deal with pain and perhaps, not dealing well with pain. I don't want my children to suffer. Who does? But, this is not the Lord's heart posture over us, as His children. While He does not delight in seeing us hurting, squirming, wrestling, He does not always automatically rush to the scene of the crime and make it instantly better. Many times He lingers in the background, giving us just enough space to invite Him into the trauma, into the pain. Sometimes He tarries long in His response, even as hard as it is for us to fathom. Sometimes He allows things to get worse, well before He makes them better. That's because He is the True Fixer, and he fixes perfectly, not superficially. He does deep work that takes a lifetime to perfect. He is not a genie in a bottle, He is God. He is not afraid of pain, has taken it on in the fullest form. Therefore, He knows that pain, struggle, need, brokenness and the like, is not too much for His children, either. He said to not fear, He has overcome the world. Knowing that Jesus took on every hardship known to man and overcame it, should instill a perfect peace inside of me, that I can do the same; that my children can do the same. He faced great need (didn't even have one friend who really 'got him' or who could stay awake and pray with him), great opposition and insurmountable persecution. And the Father spared Him none of it. In fact, the scriptures say that Jesus was taught obedience through these things. What kind of parent allows this?!!! A perfect one.
While Jesus healed all who came to Him and performed signs and wonders, He was not rescued when it seemed He should have been. As the old song goes, "He could have called 10,000 angels..." But there is always something bigger, greater, deeper going on. He was securing our eternal healing in the midst of all that pain. God is indeed the perfect Fixer-Upper. He knows just what He's doing and I would do well to trust and follow His way.
I believe the Lord has made me to be a responder. If I see a need and I can help meet it, I try to do that. If I see a hurting soul and I have a free hand or ear to offer, I will do this as well. But many times in the past, I have thought I was the only one who could meet needs, even taking on a false responsibility and guilt in meeting specific needs for specific ones. It has required more faith on my part to not rush in and try to fix a situation but rather wait on the Lord to do something deeper, something eternal. Who am I to interfere with His processes, to constantly 'fix' in a surface way a deeper hemorrhage that only the Surgeon can attend to? Again, my pride. Hard lesson to learn and ultimately harm for the already hurting.
I know that as a parent, my fix instinct is STRONG. I don't want my children to make painful mistakes, obviously. But to rush to the place of every injury and slap on a band aid is not really fixing anything. And it's not really love, either. It's fear. It's me, as a parent, fearing my children actually having to deal with pain and perhaps, not dealing well with pain. I don't want my children to suffer. Who does? But, this is not the Lord's heart posture over us, as His children. While He does not delight in seeing us hurting, squirming, wrestling, He does not always automatically rush to the scene of the crime and make it instantly better. Many times He lingers in the background, giving us just enough space to invite Him into the trauma, into the pain. Sometimes He tarries long in His response, even as hard as it is for us to fathom. Sometimes He allows things to get worse, well before He makes them better. That's because He is the True Fixer, and he fixes perfectly, not superficially. He does deep work that takes a lifetime to perfect. He is not a genie in a bottle, He is God. He is not afraid of pain, has taken it on in the fullest form. Therefore, He knows that pain, struggle, need, brokenness and the like, is not too much for His children, either. He said to not fear, He has overcome the world. Knowing that Jesus took on every hardship known to man and overcame it, should instill a perfect peace inside of me, that I can do the same; that my children can do the same. He faced great need (didn't even have one friend who really 'got him' or who could stay awake and pray with him), great opposition and insurmountable persecution. And the Father spared Him none of it. In fact, the scriptures say that Jesus was taught obedience through these things. What kind of parent allows this?!!! A perfect one.
While Jesus healed all who came to Him and performed signs and wonders, He was not rescued when it seemed He should have been. As the old song goes, "He could have called 10,000 angels..." But there is always something bigger, greater, deeper going on. He was securing our eternal healing in the midst of all that pain. God is indeed the perfect Fixer-Upper. He knows just what He's doing and I would do well to trust and follow His way.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
letting go
It's been a perpetual season of letting go...
A season of letting things die...myself included.
I don't always die so well. Really, don't know many who do but for Jesus; one man, perfect in life and death. He died well.
The grieving of letting things go, letting things die is bittersweet.
Speaking of Lazarus...Then Thomas said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.” John 11:16
...that we may die with him...a friend, a loved one, a family member...the Christ.
So many journeys I don't want to take. So many roads I'd rather avoid all together. Many cups I want to pass.
“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” John 11:21 & 22
Bitter is the sting of loss. Sweet is the promise of hope.
And then the offense of death, of stripping away what is precious, of four days in bewilderment at how the One who could turn this all around, stayed away. Even saying, "and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe."
Why so much dying in the midst of the Resurrection and the Life? Why so many salty tears mingled with sweet wine?
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25 & 26
Do I believe this? Not simply physical death, bodies buried in tombs but, death to intangible things, undefined things, unseen things? Things that take faith to even see? Things that seem to die before they are even yet alive, seemingly? Things that are precious, invaluable?
Jesus wept.
Two words that fill thousands of pages in my heart. He cries with me. He cries for me. He understands loss, though nothing was ever truly taken from Him. He gave it all away freely, and all his loss is my gain. He wept and He weeps, still.
"But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?” John 11:37
Oh, how I've asked the question but comforted myself like Martha...“I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” There will be a resurrection. There will be life anew. What was once dead will be made alive again.
But Jesus meant it for greater glory. For glory that traveled to the grave and back. Glory that eyes could hardly perceive. For no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can perceive...
When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. John 11:43 & 44
He calls forth life out of death. He calls forth light out of darkness. He requires that which has been stolen to be returned. He commands that all things crooked be made straight, that every low place be raised up and every high place be leveled. He calls forth truth out of deception, the prisoner from his prison, the lame from their sickbed. He is entirely contrary to what we see, to what we know, to who we are.
It will always be, die to live...lose to gain...let go to get God. Let go, and trust Him as your most precious 'things' die. Let the contradiction take place. Let the bewilderment run its course as you cling to the HOPE of resurrection and life. Nothing is really useful unless it first dies.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24
All That is Hidden
Bernadette Farrell
A season of letting things die...myself included.
I don't always die so well. Really, don't know many who do but for Jesus; one man, perfect in life and death. He died well.
The grieving of letting things go, letting things die is bittersweet.
Speaking of Lazarus...Then Thomas said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.” John 11:16
...that we may die with him...a friend, a loved one, a family member...the Christ.
So many journeys I don't want to take. So many roads I'd rather avoid all together. Many cups I want to pass.
“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” John 11:21 & 22
Bitter is the sting of loss. Sweet is the promise of hope.
And then the offense of death, of stripping away what is precious, of four days in bewilderment at how the One who could turn this all around, stayed away. Even saying, "and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe."
Why so much dying in the midst of the Resurrection and the Life? Why so many salty tears mingled with sweet wine?
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25 & 26
Do I believe this? Not simply physical death, bodies buried in tombs but, death to intangible things, undefined things, unseen things? Things that take faith to even see? Things that seem to die before they are even yet alive, seemingly? Things that are precious, invaluable?
Jesus wept.
Two words that fill thousands of pages in my heart. He cries with me. He cries for me. He understands loss, though nothing was ever truly taken from Him. He gave it all away freely, and all his loss is my gain. He wept and He weeps, still.
"But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?” John 11:37
Oh, how I've asked the question but comforted myself like Martha...“I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” There will be a resurrection. There will be life anew. What was once dead will be made alive again.
But Jesus meant it for greater glory. For glory that traveled to the grave and back. Glory that eyes could hardly perceive. For no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can perceive...
When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. John 11:43 & 44
He calls forth life out of death. He calls forth light out of darkness. He requires that which has been stolen to be returned. He commands that all things crooked be made straight, that every low place be raised up and every high place be leveled. He calls forth truth out of deception, the prisoner from his prison, the lame from their sickbed. He is entirely contrary to what we see, to what we know, to who we are.
It will always be, die to live...lose to gain...let go to get God. Let go, and trust Him as your most precious 'things' die. Let the contradiction take place. Let the bewilderment run its course as you cling to the HOPE of resurrection and life. Nothing is really useful unless it first dies.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24
All That is Hidden
Bernadette Farrell
If you would follow me,
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.
All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.
If you would honor me,
Honor the least of these:
You will not find me dressed in finery.
My Word cries out to be heard;
breaks through the world:
My Word is on your lips and lives in your heart.
If you would speak of me,
live all your life in me.
my ways are not the ways that you would choose;
my thoughts are far beyond yours,
as heaven from earth:
If you believe in me my voice will be heard.
If you would rise with me,
rise through your destiny:
do not refuse the death which brings you life,
for as the grain in the earth
must die for rebirth,
So I have planted your life deep within mine.
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.
All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.
If you would honor me,
Honor the least of these:
You will not find me dressed in finery.
My Word cries out to be heard;
breaks through the world:
My Word is on your lips and lives in your heart.
If you would speak of me,
live all your life in me.
my ways are not the ways that you would choose;
my thoughts are far beyond yours,
as heaven from earth:
If you believe in me my voice will be heard.
If you would rise with me,
rise through your destiny:
do not refuse the death which brings you life,
for as the grain in the earth
must die for rebirth,
So I have planted your life deep within mine.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
trust
I can feel how narrow His ways are. I can see how fine the line drawn is. And then I am forced to pick a side, to pick a 'truth' and then stand for it with all of my might, build my very life upon it. The questions comes, every situation, every scenario...who/what are you going to believe? Who/what are you going to trust? Who/what are you going to place your faith upon? God or man? There are so many things to believe, trust, hope in but only One will prove true in the end. Only One is left standing once the fire of testing has had its way. If I don't believe what He says is true, I call Him a liar. If I don't trust His goodness, I call Him bad. If I don't cast my hope upon Him, I trust in idols that are unable to truly save me. Even the kings of the earth hope falsely when they trust in their riches, favor, and power. There is only one name that will truly save and that is the name of Jesus.
Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
Psalms 40:4 "Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods."
Psalms 84:12 "LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
Psalms 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans."
Psalms 125:5 "Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever."
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."
Proverbs 11:18 "Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf."
Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe."
Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
Psalms 40:4 "Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods."
Psalms 84:12 "LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you."
Psalms 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans."
Psalms 125:5 "Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever."
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."
Proverbs 11:18 "Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf."
Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe."
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
rich
I do not covet another's life. I don't want anybody else's life but the one I have in Christ. I am so entirely rich with the one that I've been given. My portion, my boundary lines, they have indeed fallen in pleasant places. Does that mean I possess every worldly pleasure known to man? Hardly. I many times make due with what I have but I'm thankful. So thankful. My cup runneth over, and over and over. Little is much when God is in it. He makes all things abound to me because He is abounding in love.
Proverbs 15:16 "Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil."
My children are phenomenal. Each one of them is a gift from heaven, no matter the difficulties, sacrifices, the tensions at times. I would lay down my life for each one of them. They are the fruit of my womb, a reward from the Lord; a reward I do not deserve, mind you. I could have never imagined that God would have given me this much life, blessing, goodness. Surely there is nothing I could have done to deserve the kindness He has shown me, in blessing my life so richly. I am eternally indebted to his greatness. I am so thankful for my children, for this new life that is growing on the inside. I'm growing richer every day in God's grace and glory and that's the only kind of rich I really ever want to be. My life, my heart, my arms are full and that is the mark of the blessing of the Lord. He is more than enough.
Proverbs 15:16 "Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil."
My children are phenomenal. Each one of them is a gift from heaven, no matter the difficulties, sacrifices, the tensions at times. I would lay down my life for each one of them. They are the fruit of my womb, a reward from the Lord; a reward I do not deserve, mind you. I could have never imagined that God would have given me this much life, blessing, goodness. Surely there is nothing I could have done to deserve the kindness He has shown me, in blessing my life so richly. I am eternally indebted to his greatness. I am so thankful for my children, for this new life that is growing on the inside. I'm growing richer every day in God's grace and glory and that's the only kind of rich I really ever want to be. My life, my heart, my arms are full and that is the mark of the blessing of the Lord. He is more than enough.
Monday, April 16, 2012
alive
I'm so glad to be alive. So glad to feel joy and pain. I'm so glad God rescued me and gave me a life I could never deserve. I'm so blessed to be the wife of a patient, thoughtful husband; a mother to brilliantly beautiful children; a friend to incredible souls; and even more than all that, a friend of God. There is no loss or disappointment, failure or devastation that could ever take what has been given me. For what I posses is eternal, untouchable and will never perish. What I've been given in Christ is what I am, who I am. Nobody can truly take that away from me. Man may demand it of me but it can never be. You can't touch it with human hands, you can't even put a price on it. It's this precious thing called life and I've only one to live. And it belongs to the One who gave it to me and I know that nothing can pry it from His grip. What a deep assurance to know that I'm perfectly kept by God, that my days have a number to them, that my life is written in a book and it is a phenomenal story, with a phenomenal ending. I'm so glad to be alive in Christ.
Friday, April 13, 2012
a hard day
We lost two kitties today. One was a baby kitten, not even a week old. Failure to thrive is all I can gather. It looked just like Paige, having the same father. It was the calico one. The girls ran out early this morning to check on the babies. The gray one was already stiff but was nestled up with the orange one, as if it didn't know. Hard morning, lots of tears and then a funeral behind the shed with songs and prayers. I do not like losing things that I love.
And then right before dinner this evening, we find our most precious Paige in the road, bloody, eyes bulging. It was awful. An awful way to lose a very special friend. The worst part is that Paige was pregnant. I just happened to take some pictures of her today. This is the two of us on the back porch swing. I was reading the Word. She was being the sweet cat that she was. She was as soft as our rabbit.
And then right before dinner this evening, we find our most precious Paige in the road, bloody, eyes bulging. It was awful. An awful way to lose a very special friend. The worst part is that Paige was pregnant. I just happened to take some pictures of her today. This is the two of us on the back porch swing. I was reading the Word. She was being the sweet cat that she was. She was as soft as our rabbit.
I've never met a cat as sweet as Paige. She truly was a source of joy in my life and I'm so very sad that she and her unborn babies are gone. I miss her already. Tears.
Friday, April 6, 2012
signs
Ezekiel 36:26-28
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.
Sometimes God gives us a sign...of His goodness...of His presence. And sometimes He gives us two...
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.
Sometimes God gives us a sign...of His goodness...of His presence. And sometimes He gives us two...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
life
Sometimes it all feels like a movie, like slow motion; a book unfolding at the speed of the reader's ability to comprehend it. There are these pregnant pauses, moments, and the theme music is cued and the whole unforeseen thing comes to a crescendo and it spills divinely over. It reminds me that I am still alive, still incredibly alive; admonishes that every pore in my skin is indeed open, vulnerable and not the heavy armor that it at times feels to be. It is larger than life but dainty enough to tuck away in a heart-shaped locket. Lost in wonder at how two complexities can coexist at once, like harmony and melody, terrible and wonderful, God and man. This life is wild and fluid yet must surely be framed so on-purpose-like by the Creator of it all. It's for Him to behold with his privileged perspective. It is foolproof from afar, no doubt. It all makes sense in context, from that place of deep space where all is motionless with a quiet hush; where all is seen and understood and not absorbed in the chaotic details of the soul's traffic. Magnificent perfection. Heavenly composed peace.
Beginnings and ends. Life and death.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
the unexpected
I can honestly say that God has brought some of the greatest gifts in my life through unexpected circumstances, scenerios and surprises. So glad that He is God and I'm not
Sunday, March 25, 2012
the beauty of devastation
I think one of the most merciful things that God could ever allow in our lives is what might seem to be total and utter devastation. Don't get me wrong, I don't love pain, I don't enjoy suffering, I don't innately want hardships, conflict, trials or anything that is synonymous with such things. In fact, I actually like to laugh until I can't breath, savor the moments as they come, drink deeply from the joy well, etc. If I could do this all the time, I probably would. But now, lying level in this place that I am in, whatever the address is, I find it all has a different feel to it. Life, that is. Laughter now crests over quickly, becomes tears and a smile that is pulled from a place deep inside of me. Gratitude looks like not being able to say all that's in my heart because there is just too much. Eternity feels like gentle brushes and breezes, blowing over me, into me. I'm just different. Life is different, but in the very best way. So sincerely thankful, for everything; especially the hard things.
In preparing my heart for service this morning, the title of this blog post kept running through my head. I was thinking about how much beauty has come from this wilderness I've been in. The Lord has been so gracious, so giving, so kind to me in allowing me to walk through the valley that this last season has been. It's just like Him to do it this way. It's just like Him to give life for death, to level to establish, to allow loss that I would gain. I see that there has been severe loss, severe tearing of the heart. Yet, what has been poured into me, what has been measured back to me from the heart of God is much more valuable. I can't get away from the notion that I am incredibly rich, that I posses all things because I posses Christ. How can you be bursting at the seams when you are so entirely emptied? How can you posses prevailing faith and hope when you've just limped bloody off the battlefield? Jesus. Only Jesus.
I think most of us put a maddening amount of energy into staving off the Cross of Christ in our lives. I'm certain I have. When we are confronted in the gardens of our lives, as Jesus was, with the cup of the fellowship of His sufferings, I think we inwardly plead, "Please not that, God. Anything but that." 'That' constitutes something different for each one of us but, it does exist, perhaps even as our deepest fear. I believe God puts His Divine finger on those very things for a reason. I think He actually intends to drive out fear, bring faith to the places that if not exposed or confronted, would serve ultimately as the thing that keeps us from really dying; the thing that keeps us from the Cross of Christ. And it's fellowship we gain when we say yes to the beauty of devastation, to the scorn and glory of Calvary. What could have been seemingly more devastating than watching God's son (the one who's supposed to save all) die a brutal, unjust death by crucifixion?
During worship today He touched me and I was undone and in my moment of weakness, out flowed these prayers that always get me in trouble. He corners me with His worth, His glory and I'm left powerless to say no, to turn Him away. He has His ways.
Lord, do whatever you want.
Just be God.
Mess me up.
Flip the script.
Turn my world upside down.
I want you, no matter what it looks like.
I just prayed a world of hurt right there but you know what? God is really wise. He's so wise that what looks like total devastation, what looks like a criminal's death on a rugged cross; what seems to be hopeless, dark, even dead, He makes beautiful. He makes all things beautiful, especially the suffering Savior's labor for my soul. He got what He wanted on that cross. He got me.
It is a gift to suffer severe loss in this life, to suffer seemingly unrecoverable devastation. It is meant for abundant life, no doubt. It is meant for an eternal gain that makes the riches in this life seem like dung. It is wisdom to suffer loss in this day that we would not suffer on that day. This is at times what mercy looks like in light of an incredibly wise Maker who can see both the beginning and the end. He is glorious in infinite wisdom.
Wow...the beauty of devastation when the power of the Cross resurrects it. Selah.
In preparing my heart for service this morning, the title of this blog post kept running through my head. I was thinking about how much beauty has come from this wilderness I've been in. The Lord has been so gracious, so giving, so kind to me in allowing me to walk through the valley that this last season has been. It's just like Him to do it this way. It's just like Him to give life for death, to level to establish, to allow loss that I would gain. I see that there has been severe loss, severe tearing of the heart. Yet, what has been poured into me, what has been measured back to me from the heart of God is much more valuable. I can't get away from the notion that I am incredibly rich, that I posses all things because I posses Christ. How can you be bursting at the seams when you are so entirely emptied? How can you posses prevailing faith and hope when you've just limped bloody off the battlefield? Jesus. Only Jesus.
I think most of us put a maddening amount of energy into staving off the Cross of Christ in our lives. I'm certain I have. When we are confronted in the gardens of our lives, as Jesus was, with the cup of the fellowship of His sufferings, I think we inwardly plead, "Please not that, God. Anything but that." 'That' constitutes something different for each one of us but, it does exist, perhaps even as our deepest fear. I believe God puts His Divine finger on those very things for a reason. I think He actually intends to drive out fear, bring faith to the places that if not exposed or confronted, would serve ultimately as the thing that keeps us from really dying; the thing that keeps us from the Cross of Christ. And it's fellowship we gain when we say yes to the beauty of devastation, to the scorn and glory of Calvary. What could have been seemingly more devastating than watching God's son (the one who's supposed to save all) die a brutal, unjust death by crucifixion?
During worship today He touched me and I was undone and in my moment of weakness, out flowed these prayers that always get me in trouble. He corners me with His worth, His glory and I'm left powerless to say no, to turn Him away. He has His ways.
Lord, do whatever you want.
Just be God.
Mess me up.
Flip the script.
Turn my world upside down.
I want you, no matter what it looks like.
I just prayed a world of hurt right there but you know what? God is really wise. He's so wise that what looks like total devastation, what looks like a criminal's death on a rugged cross; what seems to be hopeless, dark, even dead, He makes beautiful. He makes all things beautiful, especially the suffering Savior's labor for my soul. He got what He wanted on that cross. He got me.
It is a gift to suffer severe loss in this life, to suffer seemingly unrecoverable devastation. It is meant for abundant life, no doubt. It is meant for an eternal gain that makes the riches in this life seem like dung. It is wisdom to suffer loss in this day that we would not suffer on that day. This is at times what mercy looks like in light of an incredibly wise Maker who can see both the beginning and the end. He is glorious in infinite wisdom.
Wow...the beauty of devastation when the power of the Cross resurrects it. Selah.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
my best friend
Lamaze class and my bad poodle hairdo
juvenile giggling over bad art illustrations
pushing babies in strollers
Cindy Crawford kicking our butts
Stories and stories and stories and...'are you still my friend?'
Cathy Flack's ladies group
Cathy Flack's quiche Lorraine
prayer
"How do you shred lettuce?"
"Surely you jest!"
coffee with amaretto creamer in your checkered coffee mugs
Fanny May brownies
stretch marks
M.O.P.S
FIRE! Fire on ya!
KC hotel room video confessions
serving you chicken thighs our first dinner date (and not the boneless/skinless kind!)
a blackhead story
polka dancing
Roy Lessin bible studies
Char Lessin taco dinners
prayer
highlighting your hair the first and last time
Pat & Steve
Doug & Kathy
you fixing Tim's orange handled scissor botch up on my hair
poppy seed dressing
Deja Vu coffee shakes
a bad dog we gave you
our wasp attack incident
Jim Clayberg
running hard after God together
walking through fire with you
X-rated birth footage
me in a wig in a birthing room
yard sales
your amazing fingernails
prayer
homeschooling chaos
the Christmas mouse
sobbing goodbyes the night before you leave for Thailand
getting lost
getting lost again
your house smelling like a health food store
releasing you
you releasing me
cashew chicken and sticky rice
packing up my heart and sending it overseas
the green maternity shirt
Fels Naptha
some very special meals/times with Lidia and Kelli
a yard sale in a snow storm
prayer
tears
delirious laughter with Joel
getting you high on caffeine
a rough but memorable weekend at Cedar Lodge
camping and the best burgers ever
nutritional healing
coconut oil
your oil and vinegar dressing
Callahan's chicken salad and bread
Jambalaya and a Chocolate Mess
handwritten recipe book
knowing your handwriting well
Outreach Center
The Lord's Place
"You are an intercessor"
bread and juice and a candle on the floor
prayer
endless Mike Bickle teachings
Gary Wiens and a front row encounter
consecrated snot mound in KC
fevers and long nights
baby showers
prayer meetings that smell like coffee and old carpet
counseling
a fearful trip to the health department
knowing me really well
seizures
fibromyalgia
allergies
Dr. Murphy
size 8 jeans
nursing bras
dirty dishes
birthing babies together
ADD
prayer
Skype
cardamom
mint chocolate chip ice cream
DaySpring
mean talking in your sleep
dreams
filthy minivans
diapers
mating socks
Apostolic Prayers CD
books
Vintage Inn
awkward high pitched singing that made me laugh until I cried
harp and bowl
trafficking sets 10pm - Midnight
Derek Loux
1000 Gifts
Ezekiel Rain
dying and crying
Lidia's cooking
breakthroughs
miracles
love
love
love
love
love
love
love
missing you to tears
May 23rd around noon
juvenile giggling over bad art illustrations
pushing babies in strollers
Cindy Crawford kicking our butts
Stories and stories and stories and...'are you still my friend?'
Cathy Flack's ladies group
Cathy Flack's quiche Lorraine
prayer
"How do you shred lettuce?"
"Surely you jest!"
coffee with amaretto creamer in your checkered coffee mugs
Fanny May brownies
stretch marks
M.O.P.S
FIRE! Fire on ya!
KC hotel room video confessions
serving you chicken thighs our first dinner date (and not the boneless/skinless kind!)
a blackhead story
polka dancing
Roy Lessin bible studies
Char Lessin taco dinners
prayer
highlighting your hair the first and last time
Pat & Steve
Doug & Kathy
you fixing Tim's orange handled scissor botch up on my hair
poppy seed dressing
Deja Vu coffee shakes
a bad dog we gave you
our wasp attack incident
Jim Clayberg
running hard after God together
walking through fire with you
X-rated birth footage
me in a wig in a birthing room
yard sales
your amazing fingernails
prayer
homeschooling chaos
the Christmas mouse
sobbing goodbyes the night before you leave for Thailand
getting lost
getting lost again
your house smelling like a health food store
releasing you
you releasing me
cashew chicken and sticky rice
packing up my heart and sending it overseas
the green maternity shirt
Fels Naptha
some very special meals/times with Lidia and Kelli
a yard sale in a snow storm
prayer
tears
delirious laughter with Joel
getting you high on caffeine
a rough but memorable weekend at Cedar Lodge
camping and the best burgers ever
nutritional healing
coconut oil
your oil and vinegar dressing
Callahan's chicken salad and bread
Jambalaya and a Chocolate Mess
handwritten recipe book
knowing your handwriting well
Outreach Center
The Lord's Place
"You are an intercessor"
bread and juice and a candle on the floor
prayer
endless Mike Bickle teachings
Gary Wiens and a front row encounter
consecrated snot mound in KC
fevers and long nights
baby showers
prayer meetings that smell like coffee and old carpet
counseling
a fearful trip to the health department
knowing me really well
seizures
fibromyalgia
allergies
Dr. Murphy
size 8 jeans
nursing bras
dirty dishes
birthing babies together
ADD
prayer
Skype
cardamom
mint chocolate chip ice cream
DaySpring
mean talking in your sleep
dreams
filthy minivans
diapers
mating socks
Apostolic Prayers CD
books
Vintage Inn
awkward high pitched singing that made me laugh until I cried
harp and bowl
trafficking sets 10pm - Midnight
Derek Loux
1000 Gifts
Ezekiel Rain
dying and crying
Lidia's cooking
breakthroughs
miracles
love
love
love
love
love
love
love
missing you to tears
May 23rd around noon
Friday, March 23, 2012
the weight of justice
The other day I read an article about the co-founder of Invisible Children and star of the KONY 2012 video being arrested for some disturbing public behaviors. The first thing that came to mind was, "Only Jesus is Just." As you probably have seen, the awareness campaign video went viral weeks ago. My children and I watched it together. I had been made aware of the violence in Uganda about 10 years ago through some prayer meetings. I watched the video I.C. had produced about child soldiers years ago. I remember the night I heard of the persecution, where I was sitting where I heard it and how I felt as the jagged pill went down. My world was so self-absorbed (still working on that) and I needed a good dislodging. I heard stories of how villages were ravaged, women were raped, water holes were poisoned, children were kidnapped. One story that I will never forget was an account of a nursing mother whose breasts were torn off so that her baby would die of starvation and every other child to come, for that matter. It marked me back then. I cried and cried, still cry when I think of this. I shared that story with my children that night. I saw the horror in their eyes, that this had been going on ever since I heard about it. Yes. And even before then. Hard to imagine what suffering in this measure is like when the worst of our suffering is usually financial or some physical affliction, and mostly as a consequence of our poor choices. Lord, have mercy on us.
After watching the video, the children and I prayed for the capture of all who did evil in Uganda, for comfort for the people, for protection for the persecuted church there and for revival to break forth through such things (and we know it has). I understand this much, that there is no justice outside of God. While He wants to put to an end to all evil (and He will one day) and while His heart breaks more than mine ever could for the trafficked, for the innocent slaughtered day in and day out, it is so much more than that. He longs for justice to come to the heart of every man through the mercy of the Cross. We prayed that Kony would come to a place of repentance, a saving knowledge of God and in turn, be used mightily of Him to undo all that had been done, to make straight all the crooked places he had helped to establish. God's will is for all men to be saved, for none to perish. He alone knows who will come into that saving grace and who will refuse but we always pray mercy because that is the Lord's heart posture over us.
When I read the article about the arrest, I was saddened. Saddened for this attractive, blue-eyed father and husband who had found himself in such a mess. I prayed for him, for his family. Surely the pressures of a 'global' justice movement took their toll. But, this is why one man cannot take on justice as if the government could rest on his shoulders. Even while so well intended (and I can relate to this part) justice is nothing that I can execute on the earth apart from the One who is Just and True working it through me. And the frightening thing about partnering with Jesus as a Just Judge is that He is also the Judge for us, for our crooked ways, for our sin, etc. If I cry out for justice it must be coupled with a mercy cry for my own self. Mercy and justice must always marry. I believe that is what may have happened with this man. Justice is so heavy that no man can carry it, no organization can shoulder it, no nation can uphold it but for the grace of God bearing the enormity of it. There is not justice without Jesus. He is Justice.
After watching the video, the children and I prayed for the capture of all who did evil in Uganda, for comfort for the people, for protection for the persecuted church there and for revival to break forth through such things (and we know it has). I understand this much, that there is no justice outside of God. While He wants to put to an end to all evil (and He will one day) and while His heart breaks more than mine ever could for the trafficked, for the innocent slaughtered day in and day out, it is so much more than that. He longs for justice to come to the heart of every man through the mercy of the Cross. We prayed that Kony would come to a place of repentance, a saving knowledge of God and in turn, be used mightily of Him to undo all that had been done, to make straight all the crooked places he had helped to establish. God's will is for all men to be saved, for none to perish. He alone knows who will come into that saving grace and who will refuse but we always pray mercy because that is the Lord's heart posture over us.
When I read the article about the arrest, I was saddened. Saddened for this attractive, blue-eyed father and husband who had found himself in such a mess. I prayed for him, for his family. Surely the pressures of a 'global' justice movement took their toll. But, this is why one man cannot take on justice as if the government could rest on his shoulders. Even while so well intended (and I can relate to this part) justice is nothing that I can execute on the earth apart from the One who is Just and True working it through me. And the frightening thing about partnering with Jesus as a Just Judge is that He is also the Judge for us, for our crooked ways, for our sin, etc. If I cry out for justice it must be coupled with a mercy cry for my own self. Mercy and justice must always marry. I believe that is what may have happened with this man. Justice is so heavy that no man can carry it, no organization can shoulder it, no nation can uphold it but for the grace of God bearing the enormity of it. There is not justice without Jesus. He is Justice.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
roots
Learning so much these days. So much. Feel like I'm in Kindergarten again, relearning the basics. But the basics are so beautiful, simple. Love, bless, forgive. Rinse and repeat. Surely this life is a cycle of such things. Feel the grace and truth of God touching my heart in a fresh way. Humbled. Grateful. Oh, the expense of a flowing heart! To graduate means to arrive back at Kindergarten. That's the way of the Kingdom, is it not?
In my younger years I lived in a darkness that is not worth mentioning here. Suffice to say that I understand what it means to be defiled in every sense of the word. I get it. I know what it feels like to absolutely despise what you have become, to feel that your soul is as good as dead, and to loathe your very existence every waking moment. I know what it feels like to not want to wake up the next morning just so you can get away from yourself. Words can't even touch it, really. And knowing all of this, having been all of this, I don't think I have ever known anything more defiling than a bitter root, its judgements and expectations. It's sickening to the soul that it lives in and it's sickening to those who taste of it. It's like dying from the inside out as you spew poison on everyone around you. It's awful.
Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of god; and that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
I'll confess, nothing makes me want to run away more than a sickly tree with a bitter root. It's very difficult to come close for fear that the poison will get on you and you can bet that there is a vile of venom with your name on it. Nobody can get it right to the person with a bitter root. Nobody. I know this much because I lived with many as an angry hell-bent teenager. The poison was killing me though, and everything I touched.
The thing about a bitter root is that it takes it root in offense and unforgivness. While I had been hurt many times and my pain was valid, according to the Cross of Christ, I had no right to take offense or to not forgive, and that included even myself. So, being hurt or unjustly handled does not mean you have a bitter root but it is definitely the inroad for the bitter root when the Cross is not appropriated at the place of injury. While I may think that I had forgiven my offenders, if in my mind I still harbored a bitter root judgement against them, I would continue to find trouble and defilement in my heart.
What does this look like exactly? Well, for me it looked like a bitter judgement/expectations against my parents, authority figures, men, myself and God. For example, "I can't trust men because...*insert offense taken*" or, "All women are...*insert offense taken*" For me it was, "I can't trust my parents because they made poor choices that brought deep wounding to me." This of course was projected upon God and unwittingly I grew more and more bound up in rebellion, anger and self-hatred, believing the lie that I really wasn't safe, that God really wasn't good and therefore I must be no good. Wasn't I worth protecting, keeping? I made bitter judgements and expectations toward myself. Those were the worst, actually, believing every sort of evil about myself which only plunged me deeper into the dark. It's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, really, rooted in deception. You believe the worst, expect the worst and guess what? You end up with the worst. God will not be mocked, a man shall reap what he sows. Tremble!
Every place of wounding became the home of a bitter root judgement that grew deep into me, choking out truth and life. My response to the injustice in my life was devastating in that it was flat-out sinful and became spiritual death to me. God extended great, great, great mercy to me during that time, being the only One who was immune to the resentful acid that was eating me alive on the inside and was burning up everything/everyone that I touched. Jesus is ultimately the projected upon One and has suffered the ultimate injustice through both the injustice done to me and that which I inflicted upon Him and others, even through my bitter root judgements and expectations. I'm just gonna sit here a minute and think on that. Woh. Oh, He suffers long...
He still came to even the nastiest, most vile, venom-spewing, blackened heart (even while I couldn't stand myself!) He took my poison and drank it down once and for all. Know how He did this? By forgiving me ... that I could forgive. Mind-blowing, really. I'll never get over it. Ever. He's untouchable with pure Love and I want to be the same. The only remedy for a bitter root is to the lay the ax to it by repenting and forgiving. There are no shortcuts and no faking it. What's in the heart comes out of the mouth. It is easy to tell if a tree is dead or alive simply by looking at it. It's just as easy to discern when a person is dead or alive on the inside because it will show in their speech. We might be able to hide the symptoms of sickness on the outside but, no man can tame the tongue. Does yours/mine spew venom or pour forth as a healing balm? Ouch. (Luke 6:45)
Did you know that there are only two instances in the Bible where you will not receive forgiveness? One is if we blaspheme the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:10) and the other is if we do not forgive others. (Matthew 6:14-15) Actually in Matthew 18:21-35 is a frightening account of what will happen to anyone who does not forgive from the heart. In light of the Cross, we have no right to be hurt but rather, every right to be healed. Forgiveness is healing, to the one who receives it and to the one who gives it. What a blessed assurance to know that your sins are forgiven. My son Teague says that they are so far away, like the East and West, and by the time they find you, you will be in heaven. I like his theory!
In my younger years I lived in a darkness that is not worth mentioning here. Suffice to say that I understand what it means to be defiled in every sense of the word. I get it. I know what it feels like to absolutely despise what you have become, to feel that your soul is as good as dead, and to loathe your very existence every waking moment. I know what it feels like to not want to wake up the next morning just so you can get away from yourself. Words can't even touch it, really. And knowing all of this, having been all of this, I don't think I have ever known anything more defiling than a bitter root, its judgements and expectations. It's sickening to the soul that it lives in and it's sickening to those who taste of it. It's like dying from the inside out as you spew poison on everyone around you. It's awful.
Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of god; and that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
I'll confess, nothing makes me want to run away more than a sickly tree with a bitter root. It's very difficult to come close for fear that the poison will get on you and you can bet that there is a vile of venom with your name on it. Nobody can get it right to the person with a bitter root. Nobody. I know this much because I lived with many as an angry hell-bent teenager. The poison was killing me though, and everything I touched.
The thing about a bitter root is that it takes it root in offense and unforgivness. While I had been hurt many times and my pain was valid, according to the Cross of Christ, I had no right to take offense or to not forgive, and that included even myself. So, being hurt or unjustly handled does not mean you have a bitter root but it is definitely the inroad for the bitter root when the Cross is not appropriated at the place of injury. While I may think that I had forgiven my offenders, if in my mind I still harbored a bitter root judgement against them, I would continue to find trouble and defilement in my heart.
What does this look like exactly? Well, for me it looked like a bitter judgement/expectations against my parents, authority figures, men, myself and God. For example, "I can't trust men because...*insert offense taken*" or, "All women are...*insert offense taken*" For me it was, "I can't trust my parents because they made poor choices that brought deep wounding to me." This of course was projected upon God and unwittingly I grew more and more bound up in rebellion, anger and self-hatred, believing the lie that I really wasn't safe, that God really wasn't good and therefore I must be no good. Wasn't I worth protecting, keeping? I made bitter judgements and expectations toward myself. Those were the worst, actually, believing every sort of evil about myself which only plunged me deeper into the dark. It's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, really, rooted in deception. You believe the worst, expect the worst and guess what? You end up with the worst. God will not be mocked, a man shall reap what he sows. Tremble!
Every place of wounding became the home of a bitter root judgement that grew deep into me, choking out truth and life. My response to the injustice in my life was devastating in that it was flat-out sinful and became spiritual death to me. God extended great, great, great mercy to me during that time, being the only One who was immune to the resentful acid that was eating me alive on the inside and was burning up everything/everyone that I touched. Jesus is ultimately the projected upon One and has suffered the ultimate injustice through both the injustice done to me and that which I inflicted upon Him and others, even through my bitter root judgements and expectations. I'm just gonna sit here a minute and think on that. Woh. Oh, He suffers long...
He still came to even the nastiest, most vile, venom-spewing, blackened heart (even while I couldn't stand myself!) He took my poison and drank it down once and for all. Know how He did this? By forgiving me ... that I could forgive. Mind-blowing, really. I'll never get over it. Ever. He's untouchable with pure Love and I want to be the same. The only remedy for a bitter root is to the lay the ax to it by repenting and forgiving. There are no shortcuts and no faking it. What's in the heart comes out of the mouth. It is easy to tell if a tree is dead or alive simply by looking at it. It's just as easy to discern when a person is dead or alive on the inside because it will show in their speech. We might be able to hide the symptoms of sickness on the outside but, no man can tame the tongue. Does yours/mine spew venom or pour forth as a healing balm? Ouch. (Luke 6:45)
Did you know that there are only two instances in the Bible where you will not receive forgiveness? One is if we blaspheme the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:10) and the other is if we do not forgive others. (Matthew 6:14-15) Actually in Matthew 18:21-35 is a frightening account of what will happen to anyone who does not forgive from the heart. In light of the Cross, we have no right to be hurt but rather, every right to be healed. Forgiveness is healing, to the one who receives it and to the one who gives it. What a blessed assurance to know that your sins are forgiven. My son Teague says that they are so far away, like the East and West, and by the time they find you, you will be in heaven. I like his theory!
Monday, March 19, 2012
a weakling's reproach
I don't ever want to be looked upon as strong. Ever. It is an insult to me. Please don't admire me in any way. I have done this to another and have set a snare for them in doing so. I don't want to be viewed as superwoman or supermom or super-anything because I am not. (not news to most who know me well) I am not strong in any way that would be admirable. I lack anything to really be desired but for the grace given in light of my weakness. In my own ability, I am quite wimpy, unable and severely inept. I don't like the idea of faking it until you make it, saving face, pretense ... none of it has ever appealed to me. I have heard others say to me over the years, "I don't think I have ever met anybody more real." or, "You are really sincere." While sincerity won't save me, these comments do speak of who God created me to be. This means that if I am struggling, you will know it. If I am seeking, you will sense it. If I am rejoicing, you will hear me! I'm an open book and I made a promise to God years ago that by His grace, I would stay that way. If I stay open, others can read what He writes upon me. He asked me to be transparent, even at the cost of my reputation (do I even have one?). He asked me to stay open even when my covers wanted to snap shut. He asked me to be real and raw even when it meant the poor opinions of others, being disregarded, dismissed or written off. And as I have journeyed through this Christian life, I have seen the wisdom of living a life turned inside out. While not everything is for everybody (everything is permissible, not all things are beneficial) and I've had to weigh what would be helpful/edifying, it has proven to be a very safe way to carry my 'book' though I'm left wide open and most vulnerable. It requires a lot of faith to trust people. Jesus knew this well. He had to entrust some messy folks with the Gospel. Crazy! A lack of trust in people is ultimately a lack of faith in God. To trust Him means I must trust others, especially those He's brought to me. To submit to God is to submit to others. Such a vulnerable posture, back flat on the ground, totally exposed, seemingly easy to injure. He keeps me. He preserves me.
When we willingly become weak, when we equate ourselves with the weak (1 Corinthians 9:22) we will bear the reproach of the weak, even as we win them. When we love broken people, when we touch unclean people, we will bear the reproach of the broken and unclean. When we have 'friends in low places' we will be considered guilty by association (Luke 7:34). If we do not bear any reproach or guilty charges in this life for those that we choose to touch, love and serve, then we might not really be Jesus to anybody. What reward is there for loving those who can repay us? Even sinners lend to sinners. (Luke 6:34) It is offensive that a Holy God would come and save a filthy people and did He ever bear the reproach of such an absurd idea. (Isaiah 53) How grateful I am that He did! When we love the ones that are rejected and despised, we are loving this Beautiful Man, even while others hide their faces.
So, if while reading through my life's pages you have come to a conclusion that there is something noble or worthy in me, please know that there is nothing, nothing, nothing good in me apart from the baffling grace of God. If I do something right, please know that I have also done much wrong. If I look like I know what I'm doing or that I 'know' something about something, smack me, please. I don't know anything about anything other than that all that I am and have is a gift from God. All that I ever hope to be is but His goodness and kindness to me. I am not strong, wise, capable, worthy of looking to or following. I am a fellow sojourner and maybe, just maybe, as the Lord leads us to the depths of His heart, we can learn a thing or two from one another.
When we willingly become weak, when we equate ourselves with the weak (1 Corinthians 9:22) we will bear the reproach of the weak, even as we win them. When we love broken people, when we touch unclean people, we will bear the reproach of the broken and unclean. When we have 'friends in low places' we will be considered guilty by association (Luke 7:34). If we do not bear any reproach or guilty charges in this life for those that we choose to touch, love and serve, then we might not really be Jesus to anybody. What reward is there for loving those who can repay us? Even sinners lend to sinners. (Luke 6:34) It is offensive that a Holy God would come and save a filthy people and did He ever bear the reproach of such an absurd idea. (Isaiah 53) How grateful I am that He did! When we love the ones that are rejected and despised, we are loving this Beautiful Man, even while others hide their faces.
So, if while reading through my life's pages you have come to a conclusion that there is something noble or worthy in me, please know that there is nothing, nothing, nothing good in me apart from the baffling grace of God. If I do something right, please know that I have also done much wrong. If I look like I know what I'm doing or that I 'know' something about something, smack me, please. I don't know anything about anything other than that all that I am and have is a gift from God. All that I ever hope to be is but His goodness and kindness to me. I am not strong, wise, capable, worthy of looking to or following. I am a fellow sojourner and maybe, just maybe, as the Lord leads us to the depths of His heart, we can learn a thing or two from one another.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
threshing floor
It feels so right to be wrong about what I 'thought' I knew of God. It seems like wisdom to be shown how small you are, how finite you are, how quickly you will expire. This is why fearing the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It's because He is God and we are not.
I have come to love His divine resetting in my life. I've come to find that the rebuke of the Lord is life-giving, even the ones that seem impossible to recover from. Oh, is He not both the builder and the wrecking ball? He injures to heal, he breaks to bind up, and He puts to death that He might live. He swings the sword and it draws my blood to His.
The threshing floor, where God meets man, where man meets God. It's where He and I once met. I offered myself at His feet, He spread his garment over me as kinsman Redeemer. It's where He took on all of me forever, with joy in His heart. It's also where I am opened up as a sheave, spread thin, trampled, threshed, and winnowed as grain. He tosses me into the wind only to fall at His feet, a thousand times. I'm made small, I'm made useful, I'm set apart for good. I become a small bit in His large, capable hand. He keeps me.
I have come to love His divine resetting in my life. I've come to find that the rebuke of the Lord is life-giving, even the ones that seem impossible to recover from. Oh, is He not both the builder and the wrecking ball? He injures to heal, he breaks to bind up, and He puts to death that He might live. He swings the sword and it draws my blood to His.
The threshing floor, where God meets man, where man meets God. It's where He and I once met. I offered myself at His feet, He spread his garment over me as kinsman Redeemer. It's where He took on all of me forever, with joy in His heart. It's also where I am opened up as a sheave, spread thin, trampled, threshed, and winnowed as grain. He tosses me into the wind only to fall at His feet, a thousand times. I'm made small, I'm made useful, I'm set apart for good. I become a small bit in His large, capable hand. He keeps me.
Friday, March 2, 2012
wonderful counselor
Isaiah 9:6 ...And he will be called Wonderful Counselor...
Psalm 16:7 "I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."
Job 12:13 "To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his."
Isaiah 11:2 "The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him— the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD."
We are never left to our own devices. There is a counselor that trumps all other counsel and that is the Spirit of the Lord, the Wonderful Counselor. He will lead you into all truth, He will reveal the Father and He will seal you and keep you until the day of redemption. This is the voice you can trust in the day of trouble.
Psalm 16:7 "I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."
Job 12:13 "To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his."
Isaiah 11:2 "The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him— the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD."
We are never left to our own devices. There is a counselor that trumps all other counsel and that is the Spirit of the Lord, the Wonderful Counselor. He will lead you into all truth, He will reveal the Father and He will seal you and keep you until the day of redemption. This is the voice you can trust in the day of trouble.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)