Monday, December 12, 2011
It's ideal right now. It's short and sweet, like very few things in my life. It's my new place to collect potent one-liners and incredible insights. {not speaking of just my own, of course} I can unpack these later into full-blown blogs but for now, my mind is working in snippets, or tweets rather. It is finally relevant to my life!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Jesus is praying for you
I don't think there is any greater comfort than to know that Christ, the one so fully aquainted with my sufferings, my sympathetic and compassionate high priest, is making intercession for me (for you), right now, before the Father. If I had to pick one person to call with my urgent prayer requests, it should be Jesus, in light of this.
Words to Peter swirl in my head, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
"But I have prayed for you"...with the perfect will of the Father laid out before His very throne...while the enemy hurls accusations and begs God for the right to steal, kill and destroy...He prays for you. He prays for me.
Satan wants to sift but God intends to strengthen. Satan intends to scatter but God intends to sow. Satan intends to steal but God intends to secure.
Because He is praying for me, I will be OK. The devil is a liar and I'm going to be OK. And not only that, I'm going to come back stronger and more in love than ever before, with Christ and His church. This is what Jesus is praying for me and this is the perfect will of the Father in heaven. Take that, devil.
Words to Peter swirl in my head, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
"But I have prayed for you"...with the perfect will of the Father laid out before His very throne...while the enemy hurls accusations and begs God for the right to steal, kill and destroy...He prays for you. He prays for me.
Satan wants to sift but God intends to strengthen. Satan intends to scatter but God intends to sow. Satan intends to steal but God intends to secure.
Because He is praying for me, I will be OK. The devil is a liar and I'm going to be OK. And not only that, I'm going to come back stronger and more in love than ever before, with Christ and His church. This is what Jesus is praying for me and this is the perfect will of the Father in heaven. Take that, devil.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Who Are You Really, God?
Because I really need to know. The way I live my life depends on it.
I've been finding who you are not, which rules out many false ideologies I've had of you. I don't believe you are like my earthly father. In fact, I don't believe you are entirely like any earthly father I may know or relate to. I believe you are so totally other than, even as a father, that I have yet to see you rightly in any one person on this earth. I'm so glad you are not like men. If you were, I would be unsubscribing now and taking my chances as an orphan. You are not my father but you are my Father. You are not like men but you came as a Man.
You are not illusive and you do not play hard to get or tease me or make me jump through hoops like a circus side-show. In fact, your word says that you revealed yourself to a people who did not even seek you out (unfaithful Israel). You are forever making yourself known to us. You are revealing yourself, every moment of every day. Your handiwork displays your splendor and your majesty. Creation reveals that you are God and that you WANT to be known. I have the assurance of the scriptures that say that if I look for you, you will be found by me. You, at times, conceal a matter that I would seek you out but never in an effort to be cruel or illusive but always and only to breed more of a search and hunger in me...that you will satisfy. You want to be known. I want to be known. I believe that desire in me comes from you. I don't have to worry that I might turn around one day and find that I never knew you, missed you or never found you. You have found us and have made yourself known to us. You said that the hungry and thirsty shall be satisfied. If I hunger for you, I will be filled. This is what your word says. You fulfill every desire for righteousness with yourself. You said that if I ask, it will be given to me, if I seek, I will find it, if I knock, the door will be opened to me. I believe this about you. If a simple-minded child can find you at the tender age of 4 or 5, it is because you have made yourself easily and readily available to them. It is not a difficult thing for man to be saved by grace through faith. I believe the cross is THAT powerful.
I don't believe that you want me to pay the price for my sin. It is humanly impossible, anyhow. You paid the price for my sin. The cross would not exist if I had could foot the bill. But, alas, I cannot pay the bill and deserve hell because of the great debt and depravity of my condition. My spilled blood does nothing but leave a stain. But, You are the Holy, blameless, spotless Lamb of God and you atoned for every sin I've ever had, have and will have. My sin is not greater than your blood. Hallelujah!!! If the blood of One man could cover creation's entire history of sin (past, present and future), then surely it can cover mine, on my worst day, at my worst moments, all stacked up together and concentrated in their filthy, stinky stench. My sin does not cheapen your blood when it is put underneath your blood.
I don't believe you are waiting for me to mess up so you can disqualify or punish me or pull a, "Aha! Caught ya!" moment. I don't believe you are setting me up for failure or leading me into traps or webs. I don't believe that you want to humiliate or shame or exploit me. I don't believe that you receive any pleasure when evil comes, to anyone. You don't delight in these things. Your heart is FOR me, for ALL of your children and you are gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and your relent to bring calamity! According to your word, you long, you wait, to be gracious to me and that you rise up to show compassion to me. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE!!!!
I've been finding who you are not, which rules out many false ideologies I've had of you. I don't believe you are like my earthly father. In fact, I don't believe you are entirely like any earthly father I may know or relate to. I believe you are so totally other than, even as a father, that I have yet to see you rightly in any one person on this earth. I'm so glad you are not like men. If you were, I would be unsubscribing now and taking my chances as an orphan. You are not my father but you are my Father. You are not like men but you came as a Man.
You are not illusive and you do not play hard to get or tease me or make me jump through hoops like a circus side-show. In fact, your word says that you revealed yourself to a people who did not even seek you out (unfaithful Israel). You are forever making yourself known to us. You are revealing yourself, every moment of every day. Your handiwork displays your splendor and your majesty. Creation reveals that you are God and that you WANT to be known. I have the assurance of the scriptures that say that if I look for you, you will be found by me. You, at times, conceal a matter that I would seek you out but never in an effort to be cruel or illusive but always and only to breed more of a search and hunger in me...that you will satisfy. You want to be known. I want to be known. I believe that desire in me comes from you. I don't have to worry that I might turn around one day and find that I never knew you, missed you or never found you. You have found us and have made yourself known to us. You said that the hungry and thirsty shall be satisfied. If I hunger for you, I will be filled. This is what your word says. You fulfill every desire for righteousness with yourself. You said that if I ask, it will be given to me, if I seek, I will find it, if I knock, the door will be opened to me. I believe this about you. If a simple-minded child can find you at the tender age of 4 or 5, it is because you have made yourself easily and readily available to them. It is not a difficult thing for man to be saved by grace through faith. I believe the cross is THAT powerful.
I don't believe that you want me to pay the price for my sin. It is humanly impossible, anyhow. You paid the price for my sin. The cross would not exist if I had could foot the bill. But, alas, I cannot pay the bill and deserve hell because of the great debt and depravity of my condition. My spilled blood does nothing but leave a stain. But, You are the Holy, blameless, spotless Lamb of God and you atoned for every sin I've ever had, have and will have. My sin is not greater than your blood. Hallelujah!!! If the blood of One man could cover creation's entire history of sin (past, present and future), then surely it can cover mine, on my worst day, at my worst moments, all stacked up together and concentrated in their filthy, stinky stench. My sin does not cheapen your blood when it is put underneath your blood.
I don't believe you are waiting for me to mess up so you can disqualify or punish me or pull a, "Aha! Caught ya!" moment. I don't believe you are setting me up for failure or leading me into traps or webs. I don't believe that you want to humiliate or shame or exploit me. I don't believe that you receive any pleasure when evil comes, to anyone. You don't delight in these things. Your heart is FOR me, for ALL of your children and you are gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and your relent to bring calamity! According to your word, you long, you wait, to be gracious to me and that you rise up to show compassion to me. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE!!!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What I’m learning…
That love really is the greatest force on the face of the earth.
That my love pales in comparison to who Love really is.
That there is none found worthy, none.
That I have a strong urge to run when I am in pain.
That all men are like grass.
That hay and stubble make for a bittersweet bonfire.
That not knowing is really not better than knowing.
That only Jesus is righteous.
That trusting God is a risk I can’t afford to not take.
That loving well means I don’t have the right to be offended.
That what we believe about the nature of God is the lens through which we view circumstances, life and people.
That nothing can separate me from the love of God, not even myself.
That I will never measure up. Never.
That there is provision for my inability to measure up.
That if I’m really honest, I am easily offended that God uses broken people to do his will.
That if I’m really honest, I should then be offended that God uses me to do his will.
That I have looked to people rather than God, at times.
That I have yet to really know the depths of his great mercy and love.
That I know very little but what I do know has come from His hand.
That I am saved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and nobody can pluck me from His hand.
That my salvation was free to me, costly to God.
That it’s not OK to make peace with my sin.
That love looks foolish and mercy looks weak.
That I need more faith.
That I process slowly but deeply.
That fire burns.
That I regret regret.
That Jesus is a Just Judge.
That there is great comfort and terror in knowing that.
That understanding breeds compassion.
That suspicion is fear and it actually drives out love.
That love drives out fear.
That He is good but seemingly unsafe.
That I could gain the world but lose my soul.
That love is a choice.
That the blood of Jesus is greater than.
That Jesus died for every bad thing I have ever done and will ever do.
That I have no means of atoning for my own sin.
That I am a despicable wretch but for the grace of God.
That I cannot make things happen.
That all things are possible because of Christ.
That He makes all things new.
That God is a resourceful God, working all things to my good because I do indeed love him.
That wisdom begins when we fear God.
That mercy triumphs over judgment.
That I don’t have to steward people’s emotions for them.
That I am the steward of my own heart.
That He is the Good Shepherd.
That I have nothing else going for me but God.
That I have judged wrongly.
That I am sorry for when I have judged wrongly.
That I have the capacity to feel very complex emotions all at once.
That God is no less God in the midst of my very complex emotions.
That I do love truth in love.
That true lovers labor more for truth.
That where sin abounds, much greater does grace.
That there is hope, because He lives.
That my love pales in comparison to who Love really is.
That there is none found worthy, none.
That I have a strong urge to run when I am in pain.
That all men are like grass.
That hay and stubble make for a bittersweet bonfire.
That not knowing is really not better than knowing.
That only Jesus is righteous.
That trusting God is a risk I can’t afford to not take.
That loving well means I don’t have the right to be offended.
That what we believe about the nature of God is the lens through which we view circumstances, life and people.
That nothing can separate me from the love of God, not even myself.
That I will never measure up. Never.
That there is provision for my inability to measure up.
That if I’m really honest, I am easily offended that God uses broken people to do his will.
That if I’m really honest, I should then be offended that God uses me to do his will.
That I have looked to people rather than God, at times.
That I have yet to really know the depths of his great mercy and love.
That I know very little but what I do know has come from His hand.
That I am saved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and nobody can pluck me from His hand.
That my salvation was free to me, costly to God.
That it’s not OK to make peace with my sin.
That love looks foolish and mercy looks weak.
That I need more faith.
That I process slowly but deeply.
That fire burns.
That I regret regret.
That Jesus is a Just Judge.
That there is great comfort and terror in knowing that.
That understanding breeds compassion.
That suspicion is fear and it actually drives out love.
That love drives out fear.
That He is good but seemingly unsafe.
That I could gain the world but lose my soul.
That love is a choice.
That the blood of Jesus is greater than.
That Jesus died for every bad thing I have ever done and will ever do.
That I have no means of atoning for my own sin.
That I am a despicable wretch but for the grace of God.
That I cannot make things happen.
That all things are possible because of Christ.
That He makes all things new.
That God is a resourceful God, working all things to my good because I do indeed love him.
That wisdom begins when we fear God.
That mercy triumphs over judgment.
That I don’t have to steward people’s emotions for them.
That I am the steward of my own heart.
That He is the Good Shepherd.
That I have nothing else going for me but God.
That I have judged wrongly.
That I am sorry for when I have judged wrongly.
That I have the capacity to feel very complex emotions all at once.
That God is no less God in the midst of my very complex emotions.
That I do love truth in love.
That true lovers labor more for truth.
That where sin abounds, much greater does grace.
That there is hope, because He lives.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sacrifice of Praise
I'm going to give it to Him, especially when it hurts and nothing makes sense and my world is spinning 'round. Here you go, God. Have my praise, my declarations of your goodness, kindness and mercy. In the midst of pain I confess that just and true are all of your ways. You are God and I am man. Your ways and thoughts are higher than mine. Your love endures forever...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Today and Everyday
Dirty dishes stacked high in the sink, tidy piles of laundry patiently awaiting a home, fuzzy carpet that begs to be vacuumed and sticky floors that petition me to mop them. That's today and everyday.
Tiny teeth that need a good scrubbing (let alone flossing), jagged fingernails and toenails that need some clipping attention, a wee one who solicits me more than any other, and stumped little girls with fists smashed into their frustrated faces. That's today and everyday.
I would not trade my today and everyday for anything. I have too often tried to wish myself into the future, missing my many presents (pun intended). Too often I find myself dissatisfied with today or worried about tomorrow. Today's offerings are sufficient, more than enough, really. The mess, the chaos, the clutter...all of it meant to bless me, to enrich my life, to perfect me. This is my life and I have not another to live. So I must love it, live it, give it...as thanks, for it.
Tiny teeth that need a good scrubbing (let alone flossing), jagged fingernails and toenails that need some clipping attention, a wee one who solicits me more than any other, and stumped little girls with fists smashed into their frustrated faces. That's today and everyday.
I would not trade my today and everyday for anything. I have too often tried to wish myself into the future, missing my many presents (pun intended). Too often I find myself dissatisfied with today or worried about tomorrow. Today's offerings are sufficient, more than enough, really. The mess, the chaos, the clutter...all of it meant to bless me, to enrich my life, to perfect me. This is my life and I have not another to live. So I must love it, live it, give it...as thanks, for it.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Anger
I don't pretend to understand but I really want to. Anger is a secondary emotion so...where does my anger stem from? What is really going on underneath it all when I feel this mercury rising in me? What are my buttons and how do I get to a place where nobody can push them because there aren't any to push? I don't want to pass on a legacy of wrath to my children. This is not their portion. When I see them short with one another I wonder, "Did I teach them that?" When they are unkind or unwilling to extend grace or show mercy I have to think that I may be to blame. I REALLY want to see this ungoldy heritage broken off of me and my children that we could love even the most unloveable and that the enemy would have no hook in us. I have been in quiet ponderings over this for weeks now...alone with my anger, disappointments and insights. Well, not really alone, I suppose. Processing with Jesus and Holy Spirit leading the way. A deep work. I am begging for God's wisdom and transformation of my mind, heart and life. There is great wisdom in getting to know your own heart, especially the dark and wounded parts. How do you steward your heart if you do not know it? How will you ever know it if you do not listen and observe? May Wisdom's cry be louder than anger!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Words
So many words, so few the opportunities to capture them.
It’s been words, words, words since Tru was born. So many inner dialogues and I’m just not able to stop long enough. Or, I stave it away because of the enormity of it all. Where do I begin…again? Ideally, I’d have it all filed away in categories like recipes or perhaps home school lesson plans; study material, up-coming tests and lessons-learned. If only life could be so easily compartmentalized. But mine is far from it. My real life stuff slops all over the place, drawing this sphere into that one which can make for a pretty obscure collage at times. I just hope it’s beautiful. I can live w/out compartments but I can’t live without beauty.
Tru is many things. She’s a good and perfect gift from the Father of Lights. She’s, undoubtedly, a reflection of the Father’s heart, as well. There was a moment as I was doing the labor some work of pushing her out of my body, that Tim spoke three very powerful and profound words aloud to our baby.
“You’re welcome here.”
No sooner did my midwife bow her head, graciously crowned with the burden of intercession, and reply,
“If so many children could hear those words.”
And then it fell. His presence fell in that moment and my womb swelled, yet again, with just a fragment of the Father’s heart. I felt weeping sweep over my body. I did not resist it. I could have heaved for days under it but it hurt too badly to cry with that sort of depth. It was but a few breaths and tears but so finite and concentrated in it’s intensity. I knew we were birthing more than a baby.
The stretching…the expanding…the pressure I felt when squeezing this not-so-little-one out was, well…foretelling. It paints a landscape for what’s to come. There is great pain and joy ahead. There is the complexity of destiny, this pushing and pulling all at the same time. There is this tension that upholds all things while tearing them away simultaneously. This is where I am. I believe this place is called, His hands.
I can hardly bear to hear my baby cry. I could not understand it at first. Being my fifth, it seemed that I should not be opposed to some old-fashioned crying here and there. But her cry…it’s so very vulnerable and weak and…just plain sad. She has a sad cry and to hear it just causes my heart to thrash. In her cry I hear the cries of so many; whose tears are filled with longing and desperation, whose cries fall on deaf ears and echo through the soul. And the same story for her brilliant blue eyes. They reach deep inside of me and make a fist around my heart. They grip me and beg me to love until it hurts. They pose questions that I am not ready to answer. They plead with me to love, as He loves. I am no match for Him, in her.
I embrace Tru and in embracing her I embrace His plan, these ideas that frighten this fearful one not yet perfected in love. I can wrap my hands around her and feel the density of destiny but I cannot get myself around this love that the Father has for his children, the same love that He has for His son, Jesus. It is greater than my grasp. And I feel Him asking me to run head-on into this life-force of love, allowing it to drive out fear and make up all that is lacking.
But I fear being consumed by Him, this jealous, raging flame of love. It is my heart’s solemn prayer and yet I know it will mark me forever. Am I willing to bear the markings? Am I willing to wear the stench of the fire like a perfume and have my life so poured out, I don’t own a single right? I’m convinced that there is only one way to do this and it’s absolutely and totally head-over-heals ‘in love.’ I will do it for nothing less and there is of course, nothing more. There is nothing higher than the Father's love; to know it, to receive it and to give it.
It’s been words, words, words since Tru was born. So many inner dialogues and I’m just not able to stop long enough. Or, I stave it away because of the enormity of it all. Where do I begin…again? Ideally, I’d have it all filed away in categories like recipes or perhaps home school lesson plans; study material, up-coming tests and lessons-learned. If only life could be so easily compartmentalized. But mine is far from it. My real life stuff slops all over the place, drawing this sphere into that one which can make for a pretty obscure collage at times. I just hope it’s beautiful. I can live w/out compartments but I can’t live without beauty.
Tru is many things. She’s a good and perfect gift from the Father of Lights. She’s, undoubtedly, a reflection of the Father’s heart, as well. There was a moment as I was doing the labor some work of pushing her out of my body, that Tim spoke three very powerful and profound words aloud to our baby.
“You’re welcome here.”
No sooner did my midwife bow her head, graciously crowned with the burden of intercession, and reply,
“If so many children could hear those words.”
And then it fell. His presence fell in that moment and my womb swelled, yet again, with just a fragment of the Father’s heart. I felt weeping sweep over my body. I did not resist it. I could have heaved for days under it but it hurt too badly to cry with that sort of depth. It was but a few breaths and tears but so finite and concentrated in it’s intensity. I knew we were birthing more than a baby.
The stretching…the expanding…the pressure I felt when squeezing this not-so-little-one out was, well…foretelling. It paints a landscape for what’s to come. There is great pain and joy ahead. There is the complexity of destiny, this pushing and pulling all at the same time. There is this tension that upholds all things while tearing them away simultaneously. This is where I am. I believe this place is called, His hands.
I can hardly bear to hear my baby cry. I could not understand it at first. Being my fifth, it seemed that I should not be opposed to some old-fashioned crying here and there. But her cry…it’s so very vulnerable and weak and…just plain sad. She has a sad cry and to hear it just causes my heart to thrash. In her cry I hear the cries of so many; whose tears are filled with longing and desperation, whose cries fall on deaf ears and echo through the soul. And the same story for her brilliant blue eyes. They reach deep inside of me and make a fist around my heart. They grip me and beg me to love until it hurts. They pose questions that I am not ready to answer. They plead with me to love, as He loves. I am no match for Him, in her.
I embrace Tru and in embracing her I embrace His plan, these ideas that frighten this fearful one not yet perfected in love. I can wrap my hands around her and feel the density of destiny but I cannot get myself around this love that the Father has for his children, the same love that He has for His son, Jesus. It is greater than my grasp. And I feel Him asking me to run head-on into this life-force of love, allowing it to drive out fear and make up all that is lacking.
But I fear being consumed by Him, this jealous, raging flame of love. It is my heart’s solemn prayer and yet I know it will mark me forever. Am I willing to bear the markings? Am I willing to wear the stench of the fire like a perfume and have my life so poured out, I don’t own a single right? I’m convinced that there is only one way to do this and it’s absolutely and totally head-over-heals ‘in love.’ I will do it for nothing less and there is of course, nothing more. There is nothing higher than the Father's love; to know it, to receive it and to give it.
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