a weakling's reproach

I don't ever want to be looked upon as strong. Ever. It is an insult to me. Please don't admire me in any way. I have done this to another and have set a snare for them in doing so. I don't want to be viewed as superwoman or supermom or super-anything because I am not. (not news to most who know me well) I am not strong in any way that would be admirable. I lack anything to really be desired but for the grace given in light of my weakness. In my own ability, I am quite wimpy, unable and severely inept. I don't like the idea of faking it until you make it, saving face, pretense ... none of it has ever appealed to me. I have heard others say to me over the years, "I don't think I have ever met anybody more real." or, "You are really sincere." While sincerity won't save me, these comments do speak of who God created me to be. This means that if I am struggling, you will know it. If I am seeking, you will sense it. If I am rejoicing, you will hear me! I'm an open book and I made a promise to God years ago that by His grace, I would stay that way. If I stay open, others can read what He writes upon me. He asked me to be transparent, even at the cost of my reputation (do I even have one?). He asked me to stay open even when my covers wanted to snap shut. He asked me to be real and raw even when it meant the poor opinions of others, being disregarded, dismissed or written off. And as I have journeyed through this Christian life, I have seen the wisdom of living a life turned inside out. While not everything is for everybody (everything is permissible, not all things are beneficial) and I've had to weigh what would be helpful/edifying, it has proven to be a very safe way to carry my 'book' though I'm left wide open and most vulnerable. It requires a lot of faith to trust people. Jesus knew this well. He had to entrust some messy folks with the Gospel. Crazy! A lack of trust in people is ultimately a lack of faith in God. To trust Him means I must trust others, especially those He's brought to me. To submit to God is to submit to others. Such a vulnerable posture, back flat on the ground, totally exposed, seemingly easy to injure. He keeps me. He preserves me.

When we willingly become weak, when we equate ourselves with the weak (1 Corinthians 9:22) we will bear the reproach of the weak, even as we win them. When we love broken people, when we touch unclean people, we will bear the reproach of the broken and unclean. When we have 'friends in low places' we will be considered guilty by association (Luke 7:34). If we do not bear any reproach or guilty charges in this life for those that we choose to touch, love and serve, then we might not really be Jesus to anybody. What reward is there for loving those who can repay us? Even sinners lend to sinners. (Luke 6:34) It is offensive that a Holy God would come and save a filthy people and did He ever bear the reproach of such an absurd idea. (Isaiah 53) How grateful I am that He did! When we love the ones that are rejected and despised, we are loving this Beautiful Man, even while others hide their faces.

So, if while reading through my life's pages you have come to a conclusion that there is something noble or worthy in me, please know that there is nothing, nothing, nothing good in me apart from the baffling grace of God. If I do something right, please know that I have also done much wrong. If I look like I know what I'm doing or that I 'know' something about something, smack me, please.  I don't know anything about anything other than that all that I am and have is a gift from God. All that I ever hope to be is but His goodness and kindness to me. I am not strong, wise, capable, worthy of looking to or following. I am a fellow sojourner and maybe, just maybe, as the Lord leads us to the depths of His heart, we can learn a thing or two from one another.